The Tipping Point
Most of us have had the experience of the playground teeter/totter in our youth. Two bodies on the ends of a long bar with a fulcrum in the middle and with equal participation from each person, a fun ride! It occurs to me that the image is a good one for moving forward in your grief journey.
The fear that I will always feel this way and never get any better is painful for many. I have been asked more than almost any other question about grief some version of the following cries for help, “When will I start to feel better? How long will I feel this way? Is there any reason to be hopeful that I will one day feel normal again?”
One person who had lost her partner stated her epiphany this way, ““It took a while, but my joy finally returned. I shifted from mourning my broken future and all the things we were supposed to do, to appreciating all the things we did get to do. I travel and even go to the places we have been before because of the good memories.”
When you reach the tipping point you haven’t come to the end of your journey, never to be sad again. Grief comes in often unexpected waves that remind us our loved one is still gone, and these memories hurt. What we have reached at the tipping point is the ability to see the journey differently. While a journey you were forced to take, it is not only a journey of deep sadness and pain where feelings of hopelessness threaten your survival, it has become a journey along which you also learn to value more intensely what you had, appreciate the nuances of life more deeply, and find joy and meaning while being transformed.
The “up and down” movement of the teeter-totter can make us think we will never find peace. Find hope in this, we reach the tipping point by faithfully completing the daily tasks of grieving placed before us one moment at a time. Use the exercise below to measure your progress on the journey of grieving your loved one.
Use the eight tasks of grieving based on the work of Alan Wolfelt and William J. Worden to move forward in healthy ways toward the tipping point of seeing your journey differently and transforming your experience with emotional pain. Mark your progress on the scale as to how well you are completing each task. Return to this exercise weekly to chart your new progress on your journey.
• Accept the reality of the loss; prepare to experience emotional pain
• Feel the feelings normal with your loss; express & release emotional pain; celebrate happy memories; refuse to stuff your emotions
• Take care of yourself in every way along the journey – physically, mentally, spiritually, relationally, and emotionally
• Adjust to the new reality created by the loss experience; relearn to live in the world
• Remember the good about who or what you have lost; you choose your point of focus
• Develop a new self-identity based on life after loss
• Relate your loss to a context of meaning; grief is a spiritual journey; a reexamination of core truths, values, passion, purpose & goals
• Reinvest in life and go on living and loving after loss